How To Catch A Mouse For Dummies
by Amity-Star
Summary: [One Shot]Scavenger and CareBears? Red Alert and the Mafia? Hot Shot and a net? Optimus having a paranoid thought about Harry Potter and Basalisks? What are you lookin' at? It's just a day in the life of Armada, ya know!


**How To Catch A Mouse - For Dummies**

_By: Amity-Star_

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**1. **To start off with, start with the basics. Make a trail of cheese that leads to a secure place where you can easily catch _that_ mouse.

**_Comments:_** Now why didn't I think of that?! I have to do some more homework and thank Alexis for letting me borrow this book. - Hot Shot.

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Hot Shot hummed to himself as he walked backwards, placing very large pieces of a smelly yellow substance on the ground. This plan of his had to work, he'd seen it done so many times from a variety of shows. Some of them including 'The Itchy and Scratchy Show', 'Tom and Jerry' and 'The Road-Runner Show'. And now from a book.

He just thanked his Primus lucky stars that he was neither cat nor coyote. Every time he'd watch an episode, he'd visibly wince when something had happened to the hunter. With that in mind, he should have thought better.

Coming to his destination at a closed door, he grinned despite himself running out of cheese. Standing up straight, he turned and walked away, wondering where Optimus had left his reading glasses.

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Another day, another battle, Scavenger thought, making his way to the medical bay. A stray shot fired by Cyclonus had hit his knee and it was now acting up on him. Not to mention it stung like hell.

Entering the facility, he sat down and watched as Red Alert finished working on a broken down computer. "Won't be a second Scavenger." The medic called out, smiling slightly.

"Take your time." Scavenger replied and proceeded to flip through a magazine that lay on the transformer sized coffee table. Humming a stupid tune he had heard Hot Shot merrily call out during the battle earlier that day, he sighed and gaped when he started reading an article that took him completely by surprise.

Fancifully reading through it, he failed to notice the imminent danger that had sought him out though its crosshair-like whiskers.

"What are you reading?" Red Alert asked, wiping his hands on a large rag. "Oh yes. Your order for those _primo_ magazines are in." He said neutrally, knowing exactly what the mercenary would say.

"Excellent." Scavenger replied and placed the magazine down, not fully finishing it yet. Standing up, and limping, he followed Red Alert to a storage closet with what looked to be a giant padlock. "Red, aren't the kids going to think that suspicious?" he asked, watching the medic take out a key and unlock the closet.

"Never really thought of it that way. Maybe I'll move the magazines into my desk draw by the end of today." Red said, reaching in and pulling out a stack of files, discreetly hiding the treasure trove of what one would believe to be transformer _pornographic_ magazines.

Scavenger's optics went wide at the site of the material and nearly giggled gaily. "Whoa, Red, these are some really good issues we're talking about." He said, sorting through the various title and video files. "How much?" He said, knowing fully well of the catch.

"Twelve." Red Alert said, looking towards the door, making sure that no one younger than Blurr would walk in. He, too, failed to miss the small menace, whose heartbeat was nearly non-existent.

"Twelve? That much?" Scavenger said, looking exasperated. All he received was a nod and he sighed. "Twelve Care Bears? How about two limited editions, and six regular?" He said, bargaining his way out of loosing his precious trove of huggable collectables.

"Three limited editions and five regular. Take it or leave it." Red Alert said, his poker face seemingly painted on his face. He saw the desperation on the mercenary's face and knew that he had him.

"Fine. It's a deal." Scavenger muttered and reached into his sub-space pocket to pull out the desired items. Watching as he gave away his precious limited edition Lock Heart bear, he held back tears but knew it was for the better. Warriors did not depend on cuddly human toys. They depended on what they needed and what they enjoyed.

Red Alert took the toys without a word and placed then in the closet and locked it up once more. He loved to make his living this way. Although a goodie-goodie he would always be, he would also be a very rich goodie-goodie. Even if his means had to resort to black mailing both his leader and fellow team-mate Hoist, trading on the black-market back on Cybertron for certain _necessities_. That, plus threatening Jet Fire to keep quiet on a certain incident which happened on one New Years where there was an over-consumption of Energon. And tell both Hot Shot and Sideswipe to steer clear of overdosing on Energon and the Cybertronian Mafia. Not that he was a member, mind you.

Scavenger turned towards the door, his arms cradling his sparks desire but stopped dead in his track when he finally noticed the threat to his life. '_Back up slowly'_, he thought, his optics reverted to the small brown mouse that sniffed the air with its pointed nose. _'It can sense fear'_.

"Red Alert!" he hissed quietly, hoping to get the medics attention before the mouse was upon him. "Red Alert!" he said more loudly and forcefully.

The medic in question turned and saw the distressed look on his teammate's face. "What's wrong?" He asked but saw a second later what the quivering mech's finger was pointing to. Without a seconds warning, he screamed a particularly girly scream and got to the highest point of the room - Scavengers head.

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**2.**If the _Lure the Mouse into a Secure Area_ fails, select a room you know that the mouse will enter and place hundreds of mouse traps on the floor and walls and any other visible surface. This way, you are bound to catch it… Or something else.

**_Comments:_** Jeez, I really think that you should put some cheese on all those traps mister book sir. But if you say what it was you said up there, then I shall comply and thwart the little pest. - Hot Shot.

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Optimus could feel another head-ache coming along. It really didn't help matters when he found out that a mouse was running around the base and Hot Shot knew about this for three months. Now he was parading around the Earth Headquarters singing a ripped off version of Ghost Busters.

Making a mental note to ask Rad for his help on ridding the pest, he grabbed his data pads and files and stood up to leave. His thoughts centered on the stack of illicit material he had found on the medical bay floor when he and the rest of the team had raided the locked room. It was now confiscated and in his quarters, ready for him to look over.

Red Alert was now locked away safely in his quarters, yet muttering at the same time, stupid things like, 'They're out to get me! Every one of them!' or something that sounded like 'I'll never tell'. Right now, as Blurr passed him, the medic was shouting incoherently that there was a small mouse in his room.

"He's just traumatised by the experience." Optimus assured Blurr and continued on his way.

Scavenger was in his quarters, not having said anything or moving since the team had found him in the Medical bay. It was just like something out of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Hermione or someone got petrified by a Basilisk, a giant snake that could kill if you stared at it in the eyes.

Optimus suddenly had a thought. From the depths of his paranoid brain emerged an idea that brought with it a dawning and foreboding feeling. '_Maybe Megatron sent this mouse. Maybe he sent it to kill us or disable us some way…'_ He thought to himself, turning into his corridor.

_'Come off it. How could he do that? Okay, he's leader of the Decepticons and likes to experiment on new things…… And would have taken an ordinary mouse and experimented on it to get special powers to kill………'_ His conscience told him, only adding fuel to his paranoia.

_'Damn, he's already taken two of my men out'_. Optimus thought, opening his quarter's door to darkness only not noticing it. '_I have to tell the men about -' **"OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!"**_ He suddenly hollered knowing instantly who was to blame.

**"HOT SHOT!"**

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Rad looked around at the state of chaos in the control room. Sideswipe had set his head on fire by doing Primus knew what, Blurr was reclining in Optimus' favourite chair, Hot Shot was dangling from the ceiling, safe in his little cacoon of wires that his leader had tied him up with. Neither Scavenger or Red Alert were there, but from the looks of the room, he knew that they were better off.

If only he knew, if only.

He looked at Alexis who had finished talking with Long Arm. "So, what's been happening around here?" he asked, taking a quick look over his shoulder once more.

"Apparently there is a mouse in the base and Hot Shot officially appointed himself Mouse-Catcher. I think that was why he was asking for that book the other week. Anyway, Red Alert and Scavenger found the mouse first, earlier today, and have locked themselves in their rooms. In other news, later after that, I think Optimus sort of got paranoid and told everyone that the mouse was sent by Megatron. He thinks that the mouse is like a miniature version of a Basilisk." Alexis replied, shaking her head at the strangeness of the situation.

Carlos looked at the two and grinned. "What did I tell you about those Harry Potter books for Christmas? I told you he would get ideas! He's already paranoid about human TV sitcoms and now he's paranoid about a mouse!" he exclaimed, grumbling about something to do with being the invisible voice of reason.

Rad looked around the room again when the door opened and Optimus walked in, a mouse trap clinging to his nose. Behind him was Jet Fire and Hoist, both looking over their shoulders nervously.

"Oh, and I forgot to mention. Transformers are highly phobic to mice. Well, except for Hot Shot. You know as well as I that he has a few screws loose up there." Alexis put in, earning a chuckle from both boys.

"And don't tell me, they're all completely crazy now because of the mouse?" Rad asked, raising an eyebrow in her direction.

"Yes. But also because of the takeover plot by Megatron Wannabe Optimus." Alexis replied sarcastically, sitting down on a couch and feeling something squash beneath her buttocks. "Ah, guys, I think I found the mouse." She said sheepishly and stood up, picking up the now dead mouse by the tail and showing it to the boys.

"Oh hello Alexis. What have you got there?" Optimus asked and Alexis grinned.

Turning around, she held the dead carcass away from her and showing it beseechingly to the Autobot leader. His reaction surprised her, but left her gasping for air minutes later.

Optimus recoiled at the sight of his enemy's spy and realised something shocking. **His fear of mice**.

Screeching loudly, he staggered backwards and ran towards the doors, only to knock himself out when he ran _into _them instead.

As the team watched their leader fall, they all looked at Alexis then to the dead mouse. As if by automatic, they all screamed, one-by-one, and fell to the ground where they lay ages afterwards. But not without many pictures taken by Hot Shot and the human children, intent on using these for future black-mailing purposes.

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**Moral of the Story:** Don't drink and drive. That, and never let Hot Shot take free reign of the mouse extermination. Who knows when he'll turn to a book for guidance.

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**Amity-Star:** This was the result of too many free days, too many hours infront of the TV and far too many litre of coke at your disposal. To make it simple, a quick job for those with a boredom that cannot be quenched. Many OOC-ness, but then again, complete randomness. Sent reviews if you want and I might post up a **Hot Shot's To-Do List**.

Merry Christmas or Happy (name of holiday here) to you and family.


End file.
